I wish I could say that I am not hurting. I still am. I haven’t gotten over all the things he did to me. Knowing that it was unintentional doesn’t make this any easier. I am too exhausted to be angry though. What I am feeling is pain, disappointment and confusion. I am still trying so hard to understand him. We had a series of conversations that lasted for a couple of days.
“Do I matter to you?
“Do you even care about me?’
I wanted him to think long and hard about his intentions for me. After all this time, he still wasn’t sure..hmm. Some of the things he was saying to me didn’t feel sincere, but I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. And alas here we are…again. It’s another round of his apologies and more of my forgiveness. Peace is always my goal and to carry myself with grace. A Queen’s crown must remain straight at all times. I choose to never raise my voice. I won’t cause a scene. That’s not how we are with each other. How will that serve us? But I don’t deserve this kind of pain. I am so careful to be tender with him. I am nothing but kind and gentle. I always lead with my heart. I lead with love. I am his good girl. But none of that was enough for him to consider when he made those choices that hurt me.
“I have a heart too Sesheta”
He said that as if he had to remind me. He didn’t have to. His heart is what I want. It’s what I came for. I set my intentions very early. I made sure to be deliberate with my words when we had our conversations. I came to love him, take care of him and support him in ways so that he flourishes. However, the truth is, his heart is not available right now and I don’t know when it will be, Neither does he, so I am torn. Do I stay and fight for his heart or do I make a graceful exit to find peace? He wants me to fight.
“Baby show me how to be your peace’
“You’ve tried so many times, but I need help”
“You know I love you, guide me…please”
He’s not gonna give up, he says. He’s fighting for me too. I needed to know that he thought I was worth it. I wanted to feel fought for. He had to step outside his comfort zone to fight for me. He had to venture to that place of vulnerability. I can’t be the only one carrying the emotional burden.
I choose us and so does he. He promised to work harder to do better. I trust that he will. I am holding him accountable. We are going to fight for each other. We will get this right because Black Love matters. You don’t just give up because it gets hard. We both deserve the love and the peace that we want. What we have is worth saving.