He’d try to convince me that I fell short and didn’t deliver what was needed. He constantly reminded me of that. Clearly it was a source of frustration because his tone with me always reflected such. He resented me because he was too afraid to surrender to his spirit. I only wanted him to open up to receive what I was trying to give. He wasn’t ready.
“Why must you always make things so difficult?” is what he would ask me.
“Stop being so frustrated with me. Things are alright with us” was my response.
He has a talent for creating petty arguments when there really wasn’t a beef to begin with, to distract from his inability to connect. I revealed and opened up so much of myself to him and yet it still wasn’t enough.
It’s rather difficult to navigate through life’s journey knowing no matter what you do, it will never be enough. Black Women are conditioned to give the most while getting the least in return. If we speak up about our mistreatment, disappointments and violations, we are blamed and shamed.
No matter how much work you do to become better, there is always a line of people to tell you, “You need to do more work!”. “I think you should see someone about that”. I have been doing the work since I was 16 years old, completely committed to getting myself right. I’ve been on this journey for spiritual, mental and emotional wellness for more than a quarter century….but I am still not enough. Well that’s what they’d like me to believe so they don’t have to face themselves. There’s is always more work to do.
No, I don’t seek validation. I certainly can’t get it from people who haven’t done nearly as much work as I have. I shall still take it under advisement though. It’s a struggle to be surrounded by folks who haven’t done anything close to the amount of work I’ve done, but the first to say..you need to do more, be more. But patience I have!
The more I reason with those around me, I realize that my perspective differs greatly. Vulnerability seems to be very difficult. It’s quite the challenge to achieve the connections I seek to make. I’ve been reminded that’s my fault. I haven’t protected myself from the predators. I’ve been too open, I’m told, so I find myself in positions I should not be in. You know what? Even with all that, I won’t change how I choose to love.